Pet Dog Jokes
"One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you." --Larry Gelbart
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Dog Dictionary
A Dog's Version of "IF"
Dog Dictionary
Bath: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
Dog Bed: Any soft, dean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a lest resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require,....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See below.
Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
Sofas: Are to dog like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. Let's not forget exiting via windows, chewing door frames and clawing every door in the house!
Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
A Dog's Version of "IF"
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, for no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
